It's not easy to be me
by NotQuiteBerserk
Summary: Songfic based on Five for Fighting's Superman, you don't have to know the song to get it but it helps. Merlin's POV. Not Slash. Oneshot.


**Ok, this was another idea that struck me whilst doing my best not to do my physics homework/revision. This is based on Five For Fighting's **_superman_**. I just though it fit quite well with Merlin (after a few tweaks). **

**Whether this is a letter from Merlin to Arthur or just a very long speech in which Arthur can't get a word in edgeways is yours to interpret. Oh, and this is not slash.**

**Disclaimer: ***_insert funny disclaimer here*_**… yeah… basically… I don't own Merlin **

Sometimes I can't stand what I am. I'm not naïve enough to believe that I would be able to maintain this charade forever. I just want to be true to myself for once, to take off the mask of bumbling servant, and show the world who I really am.

Because I'm more than a servant, I'm more than the fool you see me to be and it's not easy to pretend to be someone else day after day, you think that you know me so well, and yet _I_ barely know who I am anymore.

Sometimes I wish that I could just fall down on my knees and cry. When I think about all the lives that have been lost. Will. Freya. My father. I know that someday the pain will become unbearable but I have to keep going, for your sake, for the sake of all Albion. And I'm sorry that I lied to you for so long, and I almost wish I could keep you in the dark but there is no way I can keep you from the truth anymore. About who I am. About what I am.

I know this sounds absurd, I know how little you think me capable of, and I know that you never even suspected that I might have this power. But you have to open your eyes. You have to see the world as it truly is and not as your father would paint it. Before you judge me for something that I never wanted, please remember that I still bleed, I still feel emotion, and pain, love and joy. I am still human no matter what the law might have you believe. You may think me insane for coming to Camelot in the first place, let alone staying, but I had a dream that perhaps I could change the world, or at least our little corner of it. And yes, I knew it would never be easy.

You know that I would never hurt you, never even consider it. Lately it's become easier to forget that I have magic, to _actually_ become someone else – the clumsy, bumbling manservant – and I fear that I'm losing myself in this creation of mine. And I fear that I will be driven mad, not by the corruption that _any_ power gifts, but from the endless pretence of being less than I am.

I never wanted this power, I never asked for it, no man should ever be able to decide who lives and dies, to be able to kill without uttering a sound or bend another to his will. Men were never meant to be gods and yet here I am. A walking personification of magic, of everything Uther hates and fears.

Every time I ride out with you, on another impossible mission that we have no hope of returning from, and yet always do, I wonder why. I should just be a servant, determined to wear a silly red scarf. Perhaps I have a death wish, or perhaps in those moments in which we are so close to death I know who I truly am. Even if the knowledge barely lasts a moment, I can take a glimpse inside of myself.

And I know that I'm just a servant, I'm just an idiot that would follow you to the end of the world if you asked it – and even if you didn't – I'm just one man looking for a fool's hope, a broken dream, a light in this darkness. And you must bear that burden now, you will return the hope of thousands, just as Uther stole it. Just know that it was never easy to lie to you, it wasn't easy to hide what I truly am from you.

It's not easy to be me.

**I'm not exactly happy with this, it was harder than I thought, I think I tried too hard to make it fit with the lyrics and made Merlin OOC, but then this is my first attempt at a Songfic and its my birthday (well… near my birthday, I not going to tell you when my actual b-day is, but it is this week :-D) so please be nice, although constructive criticism is always welcome.**


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